Wednesday, August 11, 2010

I'm Feeling Shagged

I'm feeling Shagged and it's not in the nice sense of, I've had lot's of sex feeling Shagged. It's, I have run around all week, after Husband, children , Boss and I'm feeling very tired and Pissed off!
There is a mountain of washing, a basket of odd socks that are seriously irritating me and I might have to kill them, washing line of wet sheets that I keep forgetting about!

The fridge needs to be sorted, I am sure there are some things growing in there.
Bathrooms are screaming Clean me, you are Gross, Clean me you are really gross, Clean me now you smelly Wench!

The postman keeps delivering hideous Bills, which are multiplying faster then you can say ' Fuck Off ' .

My son's Kindy Teacher keep's sending home Writing homework everyday and on the weekend and I might seriously send him home with her one night so she can experience the delights of an exhausted 5 year trying to write sentences!!!

For the safety of my Husband I sent him an e-mail tonight, saying " Are you going out for dinner after work, Darling? " Because there is no dinner here, not for you, not tonight!
It also means I get to spend the evening by myself and can watch my preferred choice of Foxtel Programmes, that are the polar opposite to what he would watch. A win , win I think.
Now I have shared my crap with you, the world is a little rosier, a little lighter and I feel better.

Thursday, July 15, 2010

The End is Near.... Yippeeeeeeeeeeee

Yes, I am getting a smidge excited, two little earthlings who live in the same house as me are nearly going back to school. Earthling 1 and Earthling 2 are also excited about the fact of getting away from their delightful Mother too. It's a win, Win Situation on both sides.

The past 2 Weeks I have lived through:

1 and a Half Sleepovers at our house ( half because one was abandoned mid way through)
6 Play Dates at our house
12 un arranged Play dates at our House, neighbours kids running in and out of the house everyday
1 trip to the Movies-Toy Story 3 ( go and see it , if you haven't your kids are not annoying you enough )
6 major Fights between E1 and E2
20 minor altercations
2 Shopping Trips intersperced with ' No you can't have that, I just bought you something' about a million times

The kids have lived through............

One cranky Mother with PMT and suffering the effects of doing Dry July, I won't go into details , I am sure you can imagine the rest.

So to all the Mums out there who have organised, arranged, looked after, cooked for, refereed the fights, and wiped away a few tears, You are all bloody awesome and give yourself a pat on the back-or a large G & T, oh and have one for me too!

Monday, July 12, 2010

I love Sydney

I was originally spawned on the other side of the world, I spent my early days on a land where things were green, little birds tweeted and it rained quite a lot, and when Summer did come it was glorious, fields of poppies beamed , appleblossom scented the trees and it was light until 10.o.clock at night. No I am not Jane Austen or a frog, but of course I am a bloody Pom as I am often referred to.

I have lived in this Fast Sexy City called Sydney for many years and I have come to love it, it is everything I wasn't before, but it can leave you feeling a bit confused, as if you are a washing machine full of whites with a couple of pink socks inside that have run. People in your new country still regard you as a slight Alien. People back home treat you as if you have abandoned them off a sinking ship. Then when you have lived somewhere for so long you turn into a bitsa, rejecting bits from your old country and replacing them with bits from your new country, you know words, a bit of an accent, actually liking Pumpkin and eating Vegemite.
When you return to the homeland it's as if you have indecently assualted someone when you mention your new bits. So the answer is? well there isn't one, but I do eat Marmite when I go back home and agree that Pumpkin should not be eaten and lay off the lingo a bit! It's like leading a double life.

In honour of my adopted Homeland-10 Things I love I would like to share with you.

1. Cafes-they are frigging everywhere-can't get enough of them
2. The harbour-no where else like it on earth.
3. Beaches, not a grey stony pebble in sight, just heaven ( apart from Bondi sorry too many backpackers with funny accents! )
4. The beautiful Aussie people ( mostly ) love the straight talking no bullshit approach.
5. The way long words are shortened and short words are lengthened ( My husband's excuse as to why we could not call our daughter Alexandra )
6. The big blue skies that go on forever, London has very low skies-honestly.
7. The Melting pot of different cultures that churn out yummy food for me to pig out on
8. The way Aussies are so competetive at Sport
9. My 2 kids who are fair dinkum little Aussies, although the little one has a slight English accent sometimes, probably due to an insane amount of speech therapy we had to do.
10. The wild life , not my kids but the kangaroo's, Possums, Koala's, Echidna's they are seriously like no other creatures on earth.

10 not so great things...

1. House prices, seriously mental
2. Pauline Hansen-what the????? she should be deported on grounds of insanity and her dress sense too.
3. The way Aussies are so competitive at sport ( I love/ hate this one at the same time )
4. News programs , the world news is a bit slim unless you flick to SBS.
5. Too many American stinky programs, Australia you have talent!
6. When it rains it hammers down, a bit of drizzle would be nice
7. Road Tolls should be called Road Trolls
8. Too many dangerous things in one place that can kill you, I think this needs to be re- negotiated-seriously no disrespect to the red belly black snake living in my garden-that might have eaten the cat!
9. It's so far away from anywhere else especially europe and my Loved ones.
10. Long lost friends, relatives , and friends of friends who you don't even know always come and visit because it's such a Great Destination, and think it's ok to stay with you as long as they like.

So 3 cheers for Sydney and If Tourism Australia would like me to promote this promised Land I am more than happy to do so. If they would like me in a bikini running along a beach in , this might need to be negotiated and I would need a few months to prepare my svelte like body, sorry Lara B, you're out and i'm In!!!

( have just had a thought maybe Snow Scene in Threadbo would be a better option, we don't want to scare away the tourists )

Thursday, July 8, 2010

More Fashion From Paris..............

Having a Bad Acne Day?
Anyone for a Pole Dance?
Not Happy Jan!

Thank you SMH for these pictures from the latest collection of Jean-Paul Gautier. Because of my work commitments I have had to give Paris a miss this year! ha ha. I am avidly following from my head office quarters.

I know that Jean-Paul is a fashion genius and I know the catwalk is all about creativity and a chance for them to express themselves, he in touch with what women really want?
The Green number does have some merit, with the covering of the face it might be handy if you have a great big zit on your chin. Practically speaking, going out for dinner would be tricky, unless you can press food through the fine fabric, maybe soup would be ok eaten in very small amounts forget the steak. The thing round the neck could be a fancy beer holder, not a bad idea. The colour is awful, rarely looks good on anyone.

Sexy Dita is in the next outfit, admittedly she does have a great arse, and looks amazing, and this outfit might be helpful if you happen to be a Lady of the Night ( my mum used to say that and it still makes me laugh ), Pole dancer or Lap dancer . Ok, so I am a bit conservative.

Lucky last , Foxy Loxy, she looks like a cross between Star Trek and Cruella de Ville. This is not a good look for someone with large Tit's, the Fox is too fussy and it will draw attention to that area. Maybe if the Fox is detachable , this outfit could improve as the fabric looks like thick shiny rubber and would be great for spillages, just wipe off!

Sorry Jean-Paul Exhibitionist Pants , I think you might be another planet this time.

50 Things I would do in One day

50 Things That Happen in One School Day........................................

1. Get out of Bed
2. Have a wee maybe a fart too
3. Be bellowed at by little M as soon as he wakes up.
4. Get Breakfast ready
5. Unpack the dishwasher.
6. Fall over toys in the hallway and pick up.
7. Make a giant cup of tea, wallow in the niceness of it and try and wake up.
8. Get mumbled at by little I, she takes a while to wake up.
9. Think about starting the chaotic drama that goes with getting kids ready for school.
10. Decide on making another cup of tea and put off starting the drama of getting kids ready for school.
11. Check my e-mails
12. Check my e-bay auctions
13. Read SMH online
14. Do some internet banking, get distracted.
15. Get summoned by daughter to make lunches, and asked where's my hat.
16. Check watch, crap, panic, where did that time go.
17. Get kids dressed, have a fight with Little M, he hates his trousers, socks and shoes are not tight enough. I have my daily groundhog moment as the same thing happens every morning.
18. Make lunches, desperately search the cupboards for morning tea, chop fruit that they won't eat, wonder why I am chopping fruit they won't eat.
19. Panic again at the time , little I has a mini meltdown as she hates being late for school.
20. Jump in the shower, door flung is open several times by little I and M asking questions.
21. Jump out of shower and wonder what the hell am I going to wear.
22. Weigh myself, decide I shouldn't have eaten those biscuits the day before, as I do everyday.
23. Get Dressed, with kids hovering around me.
24. Put on my make up, can't face the world with a bare face.Look a bit less crap.
25. Pack the kids bag's.
26. Run around the house looking for missing Hat, reader, drink bottle, ( subject to change on a daily basis ).
27. Get kids in the car after a quick altercation between them and drive to school.
28. Desperately try and find a park, get annoyed at the Tupperware lady with her 4wd who always gets a a park right outside.
29. Deliver children to their classrooms sealed with a big kiss and a moment of love.
30. Avoid annoying parents who want to befriend you , look like you are in a rush.
31. Sigh of relief, peace for a few hours, become happy with the thought of silence.
32. Drive to the shops, get weekly shop.
33. Pay at the checkout and nearly fall over at the cost of groceries.
34. Drag shopping home and in the house, unpack.
35. Look at the Bombsite that has ensued inside the house, get depressed.
36. Pick up strewn clothes.
37. Do washing.
38. Fold washing.
39. Make beds.
40. Flush toilets.
41. Go the the toilet, 2 cups of tea and the bladder isn't what it used to be . Mental note must do pelvic floor exercises.
42. Sweep food off the floor.
43. Make a list of things to do.
44. Make another cup of Tea ,eat a biscuit or 2.
45. Hang out washing.
46. Quick tidy of kids rooms, get irritated at the state of affairs and have to leave kids rooms
47. Think about getting a new career
48. Check time left of peace, wonder where the day has gone.
49. Drive back to school, try and nick the Tupperware lady's park, and pick up my darlings .
50. After 30seconds major warfare happening in the back of the car between I and M on the way home, start to feel blood pressure rise, deep breaths, think thoughts about Alcohol, Darlings have turned in devils, wonder how this has happened

and it's only 2.30 and the next shift begins...................

This post was inspired by Blog This - 50 Challenge, thanks for the great idea!

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

Divine Chanel

These boots are made for walking...............
Little Black Dress Heaven with Glorious Gold
It's So Pretty, I can't stop looking

I do love French things and Chanel has always been a fave, not that I can afford it of course. I get to drool over the pages of fashion magazines instead, and pretend to be someone else. Above is the latest Kit from Chanel who have just smooched their way down the catwalks of Paris.

The boots are divine, totally impractical of course but they are lovely and they get away with being useless because of it. I am going to wear these to the opening of an art exhibition in Paris, I'll wear them with a plain black dress.
My name is Amelie, I am interestingly beautiful , very skinny and smoke a lot. I have a boyfriend called Jean-Paul, he is not short of a bean or 2 , has a fab job and a tight arse to die for.
When Jean-Paul takes me away to a Boutique Hotel for the weekend, I will take my Little Black Gold embroidered dress with me, to wear for our romantic dinner. ( I will take off the Sun Motif in the neckline, not sure about that bit, also means more attention on my Cleavage ). I will be ravishing and Jean-paul will shag me silly afterwards.
The last outfit is so pretty, I'll wear it when I get to meet Jean-Paul's Parents, they have a huge pile down South somewhere, and If I don't there is always cushions, they would look divine made up and scattered on a Vintage Chaise in my Paris apartment.
Ok, so a bit of a diversion there, but when I look at these clothes,my imagination starts working overtime.
So bye for now Chanel, Amelie, Jean-Paul and back to the dinner and kids.
P.s Amelie doesn't want to have kids.

Thursday, July 1, 2010

School Holidays Looming

There is a big storm on the horizon looming, it's grey , dark and getting closer. Before you know it, you will feel like you have been smacked around the head with a big wet fish. Yes, you guessed it, schools holidays are nearly upon us. School teachers are chanting and doing a rain dance at the thought of escaping their tribe for a couple of weeks. Hell, who can blame them they deserve every penny they are paid. It's now down to us Parents to take the reins again for the 6 hours a day we are departed from our Loved ones.
Don't worry Little Hugo's and Harriet's, Mum and Dad will be packing up the Volvo and heading South to the Snow, no need to fret.
If your name is not Hugo or Harriet start to fret.
I received home today with the school Newsletter some handy things to do , just in a case you need some Inspiration.

Holiday Activity Idea's

Take a child to work with Mum or Dad for a day or part of the day ( fine if you work in the zoo )
Visit the Art Gallery ( tried that kids ran around like moron's highly embarassing )
Take a drive to a Pine Forest ( where the frig is a pine forest are we in Norway? )
Visit a reservoir and see how the water levels change between Summer and Winter ( ?????? )
Have a Blinky Bill picnic-tie lunch in tea towel and carry it into the backyard on a stick ( fun for 5 minutes, and until sword fighting starts with the sticks )
Write a Story or start a novel ( Handy for my 5 year old )
Watch TV in moderation ( we don't do Moderation in our house )

Thank you school newsletter not helpful at all.
I am starting to panic now, where are those bloody leaflets advertising Soccer, Netball and Tennis camps.
So, if you don't bump into me perusing the Art Gallery, running wild in a Pine Forest, measuring water levels in a resevoir, enjoying a Blinky Bill picnic, helping my 5 year old start a novel, we''ll be watching a shit load of Tv.

Happy Holidays.