Wednesday, August 11, 2010

I'm Feeling Shagged

I'm feeling Shagged and it's not in the nice sense of, I've had lot's of sex feeling Shagged. It's, I have run around all week, after Husband, children , Boss and I'm feeling very tired and Pissed off!
There is a mountain of washing, a basket of odd socks that are seriously irritating me and I might have to kill them, washing line of wet sheets that I keep forgetting about!

The fridge needs to be sorted, I am sure there are some things growing in there.
Bathrooms are screaming Clean me, you are Gross, Clean me you are really gross, Clean me now you smelly Wench!

The postman keeps delivering hideous Bills, which are multiplying faster then you can say ' Fuck Off ' .

My son's Kindy Teacher keep's sending home Writing homework everyday and on the weekend and I might seriously send him home with her one night so she can experience the delights of an exhausted 5 year trying to write sentences!!!

For the safety of my Husband I sent him an e-mail tonight, saying " Are you going out for dinner after work, Darling? " Because there is no dinner here, not for you, not tonight!
It also means I get to spend the evening by myself and can watch my preferred choice of Foxtel Programmes, that are the polar opposite to what he would watch. A win , win I think.
Now I have shared my crap with you, the world is a little rosier, a little lighter and I feel better.

Thursday, July 15, 2010

The End is Near.... Yippeeeeeeeeeeee

Yes, I am getting a smidge excited, two little earthlings who live in the same house as me are nearly going back to school. Earthling 1 and Earthling 2 are also excited about the fact of getting away from their delightful Mother too. It's a win, Win Situation on both sides.

The past 2 Weeks I have lived through:

1 and a Half Sleepovers at our house ( half because one was abandoned mid way through)
6 Play Dates at our house
12 un arranged Play dates at our House, neighbours kids running in and out of the house everyday
1 trip to the Movies-Toy Story 3 ( go and see it , if you haven't your kids are not annoying you enough )
6 major Fights between E1 and E2
20 minor altercations
2 Shopping Trips intersperced with ' No you can't have that, I just bought you something' about a million times

The kids have lived through............

One cranky Mother with PMT and suffering the effects of doing Dry July, I won't go into details , I am sure you can imagine the rest.

So to all the Mums out there who have organised, arranged, looked after, cooked for, refereed the fights, and wiped away a few tears, You are all bloody awesome and give yourself a pat on the back-or a large G & T, oh and have one for me too!

Monday, July 12, 2010

I love Sydney

I was originally spawned on the other side of the world, I spent my early days on a land where things were green, little birds tweeted and it rained quite a lot, and when Summer did come it was glorious, fields of poppies beamed , appleblossom scented the trees and it was light until 10.o.clock at night. No I am not Jane Austen or a frog, but of course I am a bloody Pom as I am often referred to.

I have lived in this Fast Sexy City called Sydney for many years and I have come to love it, it is everything I wasn't before, but it can leave you feeling a bit confused, as if you are a washing machine full of whites with a couple of pink socks inside that have run. People in your new country still regard you as a slight Alien. People back home treat you as if you have abandoned them off a sinking ship. Then when you have lived somewhere for so long you turn into a bitsa, rejecting bits from your old country and replacing them with bits from your new country, you know words, a bit of an accent, actually liking Pumpkin and eating Vegemite.
When you return to the homeland it's as if you have indecently assualted someone when you mention your new bits. So the answer is? well there isn't one, but I do eat Marmite when I go back home and agree that Pumpkin should not be eaten and lay off the lingo a bit! It's like leading a double life.

In honour of my adopted Homeland-10 Things I love I would like to share with you.

1. Cafes-they are frigging everywhere-can't get enough of them
2. The harbour-no where else like it on earth.
3. Beaches, not a grey stony pebble in sight, just heaven ( apart from Bondi sorry too many backpackers with funny accents! )
4. The beautiful Aussie people ( mostly ) love the straight talking no bullshit approach.
5. The way long words are shortened and short words are lengthened ( My husband's excuse as to why we could not call our daughter Alexandra )
6. The big blue skies that go on forever, London has very low skies-honestly.
7. The Melting pot of different cultures that churn out yummy food for me to pig out on
8. The way Aussies are so competetive at Sport
9. My 2 kids who are fair dinkum little Aussies, although the little one has a slight English accent sometimes, probably due to an insane amount of speech therapy we had to do.
10. The wild life , not my kids but the kangaroo's, Possums, Koala's, Echidna's they are seriously like no other creatures on earth.

10 not so great things...

1. House prices, seriously mental
2. Pauline Hansen-what the????? she should be deported on grounds of insanity and her dress sense too.
3. The way Aussies are so competitive at sport ( I love/ hate this one at the same time )
4. News programs , the world news is a bit slim unless you flick to SBS.
5. Too many American stinky programs, Australia you have talent!
6. When it rains it hammers down, a bit of drizzle would be nice
7. Road Tolls should be called Road Trolls
8. Too many dangerous things in one place that can kill you, I think this needs to be re- negotiated-seriously no disrespect to the red belly black snake living in my garden-that might have eaten the cat!
9. It's so far away from anywhere else especially europe and my Loved ones.
10. Long lost friends, relatives , and friends of friends who you don't even know always come and visit because it's such a Great Destination, and think it's ok to stay with you as long as they like.

So 3 cheers for Sydney and If Tourism Australia would like me to promote this promised Land I am more than happy to do so. If they would like me in a bikini running along a beach in , this might need to be negotiated and I would need a few months to prepare my svelte like body, sorry Lara B, you're out and i'm In!!!

( have just had a thought maybe Snow Scene in Threadbo would be a better option, we don't want to scare away the tourists )

Thursday, July 8, 2010

More Fashion From Paris..............

Having a Bad Acne Day?
Anyone for a Pole Dance?
Not Happy Jan!

Thank you SMH for these pictures from the latest collection of Jean-Paul Gautier. Because of my work commitments I have had to give Paris a miss this year! ha ha. I am avidly following from my head office quarters.

I know that Jean-Paul is a fashion genius and I know the catwalk is all about creativity and a chance for them to express themselves, he in touch with what women really want?
The Green number does have some merit, with the covering of the face it might be handy if you have a great big zit on your chin. Practically speaking, going out for dinner would be tricky, unless you can press food through the fine fabric, maybe soup would be ok eaten in very small amounts forget the steak. The thing round the neck could be a fancy beer holder, not a bad idea. The colour is awful, rarely looks good on anyone.

Sexy Dita is in the next outfit, admittedly she does have a great arse, and looks amazing, and this outfit might be helpful if you happen to be a Lady of the Night ( my mum used to say that and it still makes me laugh ), Pole dancer or Lap dancer . Ok, so I am a bit conservative.

Lucky last , Foxy Loxy, she looks like a cross between Star Trek and Cruella de Ville. This is not a good look for someone with large Tit's, the Fox is too fussy and it will draw attention to that area. Maybe if the Fox is detachable , this outfit could improve as the fabric looks like thick shiny rubber and would be great for spillages, just wipe off!

Sorry Jean-Paul Exhibitionist Pants , I think you might be another planet this time.

50 Things I would do in One day

50 Things That Happen in One School Day........................................

1. Get out of Bed
2. Have a wee maybe a fart too
3. Be bellowed at by little M as soon as he wakes up.
4. Get Breakfast ready
5. Unpack the dishwasher.
6. Fall over toys in the hallway and pick up.
7. Make a giant cup of tea, wallow in the niceness of it and try and wake up.
8. Get mumbled at by little I, she takes a while to wake up.
9. Think about starting the chaotic drama that goes with getting kids ready for school.
10. Decide on making another cup of tea and put off starting the drama of getting kids ready for school.
11. Check my e-mails
12. Check my e-bay auctions
13. Read SMH online
14. Do some internet banking, get distracted.
15. Get summoned by daughter to make lunches, and asked where's my hat.
16. Check watch, crap, panic, where did that time go.
17. Get kids dressed, have a fight with Little M, he hates his trousers, socks and shoes are not tight enough. I have my daily groundhog moment as the same thing happens every morning.
18. Make lunches, desperately search the cupboards for morning tea, chop fruit that they won't eat, wonder why I am chopping fruit they won't eat.
19. Panic again at the time , little I has a mini meltdown as she hates being late for school.
20. Jump in the shower, door flung is open several times by little I and M asking questions.
21. Jump out of shower and wonder what the hell am I going to wear.
22. Weigh myself, decide I shouldn't have eaten those biscuits the day before, as I do everyday.
23. Get Dressed, with kids hovering around me.
24. Put on my make up, can't face the world with a bare face.Look a bit less crap.
25. Pack the kids bag's.
26. Run around the house looking for missing Hat, reader, drink bottle, ( subject to change on a daily basis ).
27. Get kids in the car after a quick altercation between them and drive to school.
28. Desperately try and find a park, get annoyed at the Tupperware lady with her 4wd who always gets a a park right outside.
29. Deliver children to their classrooms sealed with a big kiss and a moment of love.
30. Avoid annoying parents who want to befriend you , look like you are in a rush.
31. Sigh of relief, peace for a few hours, become happy with the thought of silence.
32. Drive to the shops, get weekly shop.
33. Pay at the checkout and nearly fall over at the cost of groceries.
34. Drag shopping home and in the house, unpack.
35. Look at the Bombsite that has ensued inside the house, get depressed.
36. Pick up strewn clothes.
37. Do washing.
38. Fold washing.
39. Make beds.
40. Flush toilets.
41. Go the the toilet, 2 cups of tea and the bladder isn't what it used to be . Mental note must do pelvic floor exercises.
42. Sweep food off the floor.
43. Make a list of things to do.
44. Make another cup of Tea ,eat a biscuit or 2.
45. Hang out washing.
46. Quick tidy of kids rooms, get irritated at the state of affairs and have to leave kids rooms
47. Think about getting a new career
48. Check time left of peace, wonder where the day has gone.
49. Drive back to school, try and nick the Tupperware lady's park, and pick up my darlings .
50. After 30seconds major warfare happening in the back of the car between I and M on the way home, start to feel blood pressure rise, deep breaths, think thoughts about Alcohol, Darlings have turned in devils, wonder how this has happened

and it's only 2.30 and the next shift begins...................

This post was inspired by Blog This - 50 Challenge, thanks for the great idea!

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

Divine Chanel

These boots are made for walking...............
Little Black Dress Heaven with Glorious Gold
It's So Pretty, I can't stop looking

I do love French things and Chanel has always been a fave, not that I can afford it of course. I get to drool over the pages of fashion magazines instead, and pretend to be someone else. Above is the latest Kit from Chanel who have just smooched their way down the catwalks of Paris.

The boots are divine, totally impractical of course but they are lovely and they get away with being useless because of it. I am going to wear these to the opening of an art exhibition in Paris, I'll wear them with a plain black dress.
My name is Amelie, I am interestingly beautiful , very skinny and smoke a lot. I have a boyfriend called Jean-Paul, he is not short of a bean or 2 , has a fab job and a tight arse to die for.
When Jean-Paul takes me away to a Boutique Hotel for the weekend, I will take my Little Black Gold embroidered dress with me, to wear for our romantic dinner. ( I will take off the Sun Motif in the neckline, not sure about that bit, also means more attention on my Cleavage ). I will be ravishing and Jean-paul will shag me silly afterwards.
The last outfit is so pretty, I'll wear it when I get to meet Jean-Paul's Parents, they have a huge pile down South somewhere, and If I don't there is always cushions, they would look divine made up and scattered on a Vintage Chaise in my Paris apartment.
Ok, so a bit of a diversion there, but when I look at these clothes,my imagination starts working overtime.
So bye for now Chanel, Amelie, Jean-Paul and back to the dinner and kids.
P.s Amelie doesn't want to have kids.

Thursday, July 1, 2010

School Holidays Looming

There is a big storm on the horizon looming, it's grey , dark and getting closer. Before you know it, you will feel like you have been smacked around the head with a big wet fish. Yes, you guessed it, schools holidays are nearly upon us. School teachers are chanting and doing a rain dance at the thought of escaping their tribe for a couple of weeks. Hell, who can blame them they deserve every penny they are paid. It's now down to us Parents to take the reins again for the 6 hours a day we are departed from our Loved ones.
Don't worry Little Hugo's and Harriet's, Mum and Dad will be packing up the Volvo and heading South to the Snow, no need to fret.
If your name is not Hugo or Harriet start to fret.
I received home today with the school Newsletter some handy things to do , just in a case you need some Inspiration.

Holiday Activity Idea's

Take a child to work with Mum or Dad for a day or part of the day ( fine if you work in the zoo )
Visit the Art Gallery ( tried that kids ran around like moron's highly embarassing )
Take a drive to a Pine Forest ( where the frig is a pine forest are we in Norway? )
Visit a reservoir and see how the water levels change between Summer and Winter ( ?????? )
Have a Blinky Bill picnic-tie lunch in tea towel and carry it into the backyard on a stick ( fun for 5 minutes, and until sword fighting starts with the sticks )
Write a Story or start a novel ( Handy for my 5 year old )
Watch TV in moderation ( we don't do Moderation in our house )

Thank you school newsletter not helpful at all.
I am starting to panic now, where are those bloody leaflets advertising Soccer, Netball and Tennis camps.
So, if you don't bump into me perusing the Art Gallery, running wild in a Pine Forest, measuring water levels in a resevoir, enjoying a Blinky Bill picnic, helping my 5 year old start a novel, we''ll be watching a shit load of Tv.

Happy Holidays.

Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Dreaming of Paris

When I was 19 , I went to Paris with a boyfriend, he was not the love of my life, and I probably should have split up with him and not gone . However Paris was too tempting, by the way I lived in England so it was no big deal to hop over the murky grey English channel, think Bridget Jones and her Mini breaks , just in case you thought I was being really horrible and taking advantage of him spending thousands of dollars from Oz to Paris to get there.
I fell in love with Paris, not my boyfriend. I loved the cafes and the cobbled streets, everyone seemed so chique. Even the check out chicks in the Supermarkets & Delis were tres chique.
Have you ever noticed how French people don't travel very much, they are too bloody happy in their own country being sophisticated. You can be in the middle of nowhere , on a remote Volcano somewhere and bet your bum, there will be an Aussie, a Kiwi, some Poms, and a smattering of Scandinavian's but no French people .
I'm Intrigued by them and all their Frenchness. There words even sound georgous , Le Voiture, Petit Chien, Oeuf and Fromage. I think I just wrote Car, small dog, Egg and cheese, doesn't have the same ring in English does it?.
Even Mr Prime Minister Sarkozy , has a bit of Man about Town too .Let's compare him with our Pollies, i'm struggling. What the hell are they going to think about Julia's God awful drone tone, I wonder. Is there a droning French equivalent I think not, I guess they will find out at the next International Summit. Ok, so I am banging on a bit but you get the idea.
Now back to me in Paris as an 19 year old and I am wearing an Orange fitted wool Blazer, with my black Kenzo top, and black pants with a pair of Shelley's Boots ( Shelley's was a fab shoe shop in Convent Garden ,London, ). I thought I was looking good, however as I ventured around Paris I became increasingly insecure as my Orange Wool Blazer was not cutting edge fashion, I felt like a huge beacon beaming on the streets of Paris. My boyfriend who was a real sweetie took me to Kookai and bought me a Pale dusty pink jacket, much better I hear you say with relief. If I was French this would never have happened, I would just be skinny and stylish from birth. Don't get me on to the skinny thing either, they consume serious amounts of Wine, Cheese , Chocolate Croissants, saddles of Beef and these women are Slinky slink slim. ( Slinky slink means you can wear slinky things ).
So during my Paris Mini break I soaked up as much Frenchness as I could, fought off advances from my boyfriend who was sweet but I just didn't fancy him, and vowed one day I would become effortlessly sophisticated too.
Did I achieve this? Well let's just say I'm a work in progress, but there have been no more Orange fitted Wool Blazers.

Monday, June 28, 2010

I do Like Mondays

Monday is the beginning of a new week, and things ( things being that are not immediately urgent, such as wiping your 3 year olds bottom, yet need to be done ), will happen this week .They got the shove last week, but, I am feeling positive. The rabble has left the house. I will have time and get organised.

A little list to start with.

I will lose weight this week, the lemon slice, alcohol ,chocolate and chips I had on the weekend does not count ( calories are fat free if consumed on the weekend , especially sundays and if you ate them with friends ).
The car will get serviced this week.
I will book the Orthodontist for my daughter's completely wonky teeth this week.
I will go and have a smear test.
Spend hours doing a family budget to see where our money is going ( there is a friggin money knome in our house stealing it for sure).
Prune the hydrangea's with my 80 year old next door neighbour ( honestly it's been going on for weeks and I keep forgetting, we will have to move house soon).
Not cook the same meals ,try some new delightful recipe that will make the whole family happy.
Go for a run at least 3 times ( I was running but then we had that awful rain and I had to stop, I am like a child if I break with routine it's weeks before i'll do it again)
Spend more quality time with the children and not tell them to go away.

Just a few things to be getting on with, and I am going to blog an update next Monday and my four lovely fellow blogger followers can call me a Procrastinating Petunia if I don't do them.

Saturday, June 26, 2010

Scary Jumpers

I do love a bit of fashion, the SMH kindly showed us some delights for this winter. See Picture above. This outfit will set you back $450 for the Pearl Jumper and $890 for the padded skirt ( Camilla and Marc ) just in case you would like to purchase them .

Unless you are one of those Victoria's Secret Models, I am thinking Miranda Kerr , the Amazonian one that used to date Leo Dicaprio or Bar Raffeli who has legs up to her ears (incidently with legs like that you can get away with being called Bar ), that we all might look like we have raided Aunt Beryl's wardrobe . I know the skirt is a bit of a Chanel bag look a like too, but still for $890 I would sew it together and use it as one.

Sorry guys, but I won't be wearing a Pearly, turtleneck, shoulderpadded ,fluffy Jumper anytime soon.

Thursday, June 24, 2010

The Merits of Being in a Lesbian Relationship

I am not a lesbian, but the thought has crossed my mind. Imagine your husband to be another woman. Ok forget the sex part for now, let's just focus on the practical side of things.

A list of potential senario's..............

1. When you leave the house by yourself and your Lesbian partner is left to look after the children, I bet when you come home, the house will not be left in a mess and there will possibly be some homemade soup for dinner.

2. The children would have been fed something half decent, not 2 minute noodles or heated sausauge rolls ( ps I recently had to be away for 2 weeks and every time I rang home, the kids were eating crap for dinner-yes, sausage rolls, he thought it might be a nice change! )

3. The washing would be a joint effort whatever the process/cycle of the washing your partner would be able to just pick up where you left off.

4. She would understand if you had a headache and would not want to have sex regardless.

5. You could go shopping together, borrow each others clothes.

6. Yes, she would be able to read your mind

7. I bet she won't piss on the toilet seat and leave skids in the toilet bowl

8. You can seriously chat about ' does my bum look big in this '

The list could go on and on, the only thing missing would be if you like a big hard dick
other than that I think things would be quite good.

Maybe i'll have a mid life crisis and bat for the otherside, an update coming soon.

Ps, I had a bad day, piss on the toilet seat and skids in the bowl.

Wednesday, June 23, 2010


I think Katie gets a bit of a hard time and I'd just like to stick up for her, a bit.

Yes, she is married to an Uber rich film star and I used to fancy him in Top Gun, but he just doesn't do it for me anymore.

Yes ,the whole Scientology thing is a bit weird too.

Yes, I think Suri could probably have a few earlier nights and a few less designer clothes bought for her and she looks like she could throw the most almighty tantrum's too.

But at least Katie looks half normal and if she wants to wear a pair of old jeans, shirt and have greasy hair and no make up she does, now that takes guts.

She must have a herd of paparazzi following her everywhere and I am way to vain to imagine rocking up the way she does.

So Good on you katie! you go girl, I reckon Tom loves you just the way you are.

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

What's in a Name ?

I love nothing more than chatting about the names people give their children, you can be a total stranger and have just met me in a park and i'll be your best friend.

If you are pregnant and a stranger I will attempt to ask you if you have got any names for your baby yet?
When I was pregnant with my first child , I would want to chat for hours to my husband about potential names. He would last about five minutes and then refuse to participate, what it is with Men?
I have even thought about having more children, just so I can name them, however that is not an option as I don't actually want any more children, so I have resorted to Name spotting other people's children.

Here are just a few categories for names: Please note Girls names listed only

The classic names
Sarah, Kate, Elizabeth, Sophie-you get the idea

The old Fashioned names
Florence, Clementine, Henrietta, Evangeline etc

The Untouchables
Maud, Mildred,Gladys,Marjorie, Hilda

Place Names
Paris, Adelaide, Bronte, India
I have actually named one of these after my daughter and whilst I absolutely adore the name, there will be questions later , such as ' why am I named after a 3rd world country' be prepared
with answers

Weird Made up Names-Celebrities are the best at this, I figured if they ruin their child's life because of their name at least they can fork out the cash for therapy and keep them sheltered from the world.

I am feeling particulary sorry for Apple Paltrow-Martin , but here's another thought , Thinking Shakespeare, Romeo and Juliet, and according to Juliet ' a name is an artifcial meaningless Convention ' It is the person that you love or like , not their name and maybe that is true . So at School when the other kids first meet Apple and get to know her they will no longer think of a big Green shiny Apple, she will be loved for herself. It will just be tricky for inital meetings , name on her resume, booking restaurants etc when she is older.

This theory could work, when I was younger there was this really hot, drop dead georgeous boy at school called Rupert, but his name did bother me as I just could not get Rupert the Bear out of my head. I never got the chance to get to know him, maybe if I'd had the chance for a pash the name might not have been so bad.

So why do we agonise over naming our children? I believe we want to set them on the right path in life, however it might be your path and not theirs you are dreaming about.

I have a friend who insisted on calling her daughter a proper sensible name, in case she ends up being a CEO and has to front up in the Boardroom , not a bad idea. Then there is my tax accountant who has been named after an 1970's Avon perfume, she is not a happy camper and when I enquired further about her name she also mentioned that it actually has a meaning in Gallic which is 'heavy Burden' and it is a burden she has to live with, as I am sure she gets asked about it at least every few days.

Don't forget we have to think about the surname too, does it match with the first name, there are some names that just don't go.

I have a cousin who married a nice man with a surname Bogg, yes, I am not kidding. I am sure he did not advertise his surname on their first date, and then they fell in love . She has two children who are both Boggs, but refused to enter into Boggness herself.

So what is it to be? I am currently liking Ava for a girl and Oscar for a boy, and they will be my next imaginary children.

Monday, June 21, 2010

Stuck in a Rut?

I have theory about some people's Fashion Sense and and the answer is................
It is all about the Genes inherited from many generations back and who knows where they hale from. They could be from Great Aunt Helga with Nordic bloodlines, it's a Fashion Minefield . One thing is for sure though with your inherited sense of style you will be absolutely comfortable with it and change is unlikely.

Take my family for example......

My 8 year old daughter only cares for comfort ,looks are secondary, she will quite happily wear her grubby white trainers everywhere these include to parties, playdates, restaurants you name it. Forget the Silver ballet flats even though we spent 2 hours purchasing them and it was the 3rd time we had been to the shoeshop to exchange yet another pair. She obviously takes after her Father's side of the family.

My Husband thinks style is wearing an obscure music t-shirt and jeans.
My 5 year old son is showing the most promise and asks when he gets dressed if his clothes go together ,clearly he takes after my side of the family.

Then there is getting stuck in a rut where your fashion matches your house decor , we have a dear friend who is stuck in the 70's. Walking into her house is a blast from the past and her fashion attire is the same, she would have saved a small fortune by not shopping for the last 40 years!

But what are we to do, I have tried to change my Husband and I won't even go there. There have been many fights with my Daughter and I now choose my battles carefully.

I have noticed SJP might have the same problem, her husband seems a little lacking in the style department too ( I am getting scary flashbacks to my Music teacher at school who always ate Apples and burped alot) and I think she chose this outfit when she was pre-menstrual, we have all been there girlfriend!

I won't sweat the small stuff.

Dedicated to My Beautiful Mother

This Blog is dedicated to my Beautiful mother who died from cancer on April 26th 2010.
She was my Style Queen, I remember as a child sitting in her wardrobe and touching all her clothes and trying them on. I can still picture the Leopard print swing coat, the off the shoulder heavy crepe black evening dress and her silk blouses. I can still smell the scent of Miss Dior and picture her bright sparkly blue eyes and thinking she was the most Beautiful Mother ever .